Unattainable

"If only songs were sung

to guide the doubtful ones
beyond the rough
where not as much is good enough"  Unattainable

"You are so sad." F found me reading Catch-22 alone in my class on a random day not so long ago. I barely looked up from my book. I really really hoped she would go away. I barely talk, let alone give advise to her. Yet there she would be, sitting, staring at me, creeping me out, waiting for me to reply on her silly topics. And there I would be, ignoring her and hear her grunting, controlling my anger. It's not like I hate her, just that I prefer to be undisturbed (wait, is there even exist such word?) when I am concentrating on a subject.
       She says I'm not like anyone else she knows (no, that's not a compliment ogayy) and this is why she really likes hanging out with me. She says I'm strange and moody and she's sure I'll be famous one day. I say I don't want to be famous. I just want to be real. This impresses her even more. Seriously I don't get her. So usually she would talk endlessly and I would look out of the window. That particular day it turned out she was crying.


  "What's the matter?" I asked.
  "I feel like I can't reach you." she replied.
  "No one can reach anyone." I said.
  F stared at me and gave this really lesbian look and then asked, "Did I reach you?"
  To me that time I was just trying to escape from F. My mind wandered elsewhere, and I could hear distinctly the sultry female voice of Little Joy singing Unattainable. But I can't escape from F's bulging eyes, staring as if she was trying to read my thoughts.
  So in the end, what can I say, everyone lies. Out of kindness and cowardice. So I said, "Sure."
    She just won't quit. She looked at me with her eyes all wet around the edges for what seemed like several hours.
  "What would you say if I told you I want to end it?"
  "End what?"
  "Us."
 I never thought there was any of 'us' in my life, to be frank F. But of course I fairly can not say that, can I? So I played along.
   "Why?"
   "You are not answering me. What would you say?"


   These stupid conversations. -Sigh- Then as she's looking at me she slipped into this parallel universe or something because for a moment she seemed quite different. It's like seeing a small child hiding in her face, peeping out, not knowing I can see her. This small child is so lonely and unaware that the sight of her made me feel guilty. I've forgotten that people can be so without guile. She's so fragile, so bound to be hurt, I almost cried out loud.
   The next morning I sent her an apology note. With smileys that made her extra happy that she talked nonstop. But it's okay. We are 'us' anyway.