You stir up my natural emotions
Make me feel like dirt, I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
What is worse - Ever Fallen In Love
Once upon a time there lived a simple girl leading a very simple life. Then on a very fine day, as she was reading a book in the library, came her knight in shining armour. She fell, he helped her pick her books up, he smiled and she was enchanted. Day and night she could not stop thinking about him. This went on for a week, and she decided that she was thus, in love with the stranger. She felt as if she knew everything about him, though she had only met him once. She felt that they were somehow destined to be together. Yes, she believed everything to be certain that he was the one. She added him in Facebook, and he approved.
The boy went through the girl's pictures, one by one. He too, then felt as if he knew everything about her. He felt that they were somehow destined to be together and believed everything there was to be certain she was the one.
So they went out for a few times and became lovebirds.
And everything went smoothly.
And then the girl was bored.
The boy wasn't what she thought.
He's not the one, she made up her mind.
The feeling was mutual.
The boy was also bored.
She's not the one, he made up his mind.
So they broke up.
And then one fine day, the girl was sitting in the library reading a book, when her knight in shining armour came. She tripped,and fell. Hence, she fell. He helped her pick her books up. He smiled. The girl was enchanted. This time she was certain he's the one. Very certain.
But he wasn't the one, she realized it after being steady with him for a month.
And she was bored. So they broke up.
So that's pretty much how her primary schooldays were spent. And everytime she thought she was in love. Every. Time.
And now she's in university, she knows enough to not to be an idiot like she used to be.
Moral di sebalik cerita : Jangan main mercun. :D Selamat hari raya guys
Monday
Tuesday
If You are Rich, I'm Single
"Our wrongs remain unrectified,
And our souls won't be exhumed" -Sing for Absolution
It was the second day of Raya, and I was extremely bored. On that very hot day, I happened to be alone and was in charge to babysit the kids. My aunts and uncles visited Pak Itam who was sick in Melaka. The kids were outside, playing Pop-pop firecrackers while I watched a movie. I was wearing a pair of shorts. Since the day was quite hot, I didn't wear what one would wear appropriately when one stays in kampong, mind you.
Then suddenly, I heard my 6-year-old nephew shouting from the outside, calling me. I ignored him. Then he came to the room knocking on the door. I was pissed, then I opened the door. I looked at him with a very fierce look. He told me that my friends were waiting for me outside. I asked him if he was sure that those people outside were indeed my friends. He nodded confidently.
So I wondered, if they were my friends, they would have called me before coming. But then I guessed they might be old friends who had lost my number. Anyway friends of mine piously come to my kampong almost every Raya, so it was of no wonder. I also imagined that they were boys. I forgot to ask my nephew about that. So I grabbed a grey T-shirt, purposely picked, just in case the ones who were waiting for me were boys. I looked into the mirror, and practiced what I would say to them.
Then I walked out of the room and headed outside. At the same time, my mind was visualizing the possible candidates who were waiting for me outside. 'Boys. Boys.' I hoped.
But the truth was way too far from my imagination. When I stepped outside, I saw four old men with long beard in jubah. I was shocked, dumbstruck, flabbergasted, stupefied, and whatever. They were shocked, too. They stared at me, who was in shorts, and then read the print on my T-shirt; 'If You Are Rich, I'm Single'. After a moment of silence, they greeted and started talking. They were tabligh (very religious type of people) from Pakistan, and they came to share some knowledge about Islam.
If I knew that they were tabligh, I would have come out with proper attire.
p/s: Haziq, how the heck did you get the idea that they were my friends??? T_T
Sunday
Saturday
alamak. interview?
"You could have been number one,
If you only had the chance" -Uno
To whomever who might be reading this,
Seriously aku takde mood nak buat entri. Bukan ada orang baca pun. Tapi itulah, i don't know anyone else who would be interested in my story anyway. F sibuk kerja and I don't want to bother her with me and my silly thoughts. So yeah, here it goes. Tadi lepas asar prayer aku tidur, sebab semalam aku tidur lambat gila, finishing Jeffrey Deaver's Praying For Sleep. Novel dia ni kan semua best kan, so yeah, aku pun habiskan baca and slept around 4 am or so. But the novel is not what I want to talk about.
Aku terjaga dalam pukul 6.40 pm, sebab rasa handphone aku vibrate. Aku tengok ada sms dari YTN. 'YTN?' Aku pun teringat la pasal biasiswa Yayasan Tenaga Nasional aku isi haritu. Aku cuma mintak Program Uniten je. Program Luar Negara memang sahlah kan tak dapat, since orang yang mintak semuanya straight A yang power power. So aku mintak Program Uniten.
Aku pun bukak internet. Try la check kat site tu. Semak la i/c aku, tengok shortlisted ke tak. Aku tengok ramai gila mintak. Dalam 360+ orang kot. Wow ramainya. Lepas tu, aku memang target takdapat la, okay la pendek cerita semaksemak, i/c aku ada.
Hari Selasa. Temuduga pukul 8 pagi. Hmm... OK. Kat sini ada masalah. Aku sebenarnya tak pernah terfikir pun aku kena pergi interview. So aku ambil ringan jela pasal hal ni. Tapi sekarang ni aku dapat. Hmm... Apa masalahnya? THE PROBLEM IS AKU TAK ADA CERTS! Sijil aku, cehh orang kan aktif koko kan, aku letak merata rata. Serious. Adik aku koyakkan cert aku pun (dahla sijil Final Debate SBP- saja nak cakap haha), pun aku tak kisah. Nak marah buat apa. Bukan penting pun sijil. Aku tak pernah terfikir pun orang interview guna certs sampai la aku Form 5. Tapi masa tu aku dah tak masuk apaapa dah. Sekolah aku macam strict sikit, Form 5 tidak digalakkan participate in competitions. Aku tak berani nak cakap kat parents aku, takut diorang mengamuk and berleter. I mean, let us be rational here. Berleter dan mengamuk won't change the situation.
Hoh, mak aku dah mengharap dah. Ayah aku pun dah beli flight ticket dah. Pening pening. Aku pernah juga tanya kat Yahoo Answer kan, macam mana kalau orang hilang certs, tapi nak pergi interview. Ada yang cakap pergi mintak orang yang bagi aku cert and explain the situation. Aku call, orang tak angkat. Aku call number invalid. SDawrJYFDIHGDHGOI!
So, lesson learnt is, jaga certs baikbaik ogayyy? Apa aku nak beritahu kat interviewer tu pun aku tak tahu. Ingat esok nak call YTN, nak tanya macam mana kan. Tapi guys, doakan aku tau. Mungkin korang tak kenal aku, tapi apa salahnya doa je kan untuk aku. So yeah... itulah masalah aku.
If you only had the chance" -Uno
To whomever who might be reading this,
Seriously aku takde mood nak buat entri. Bukan ada orang baca pun. Tapi itulah, i don't know anyone else who would be interested in my story anyway. F sibuk kerja and I don't want to bother her with me and my silly thoughts. So yeah, here it goes. Tadi lepas asar prayer aku tidur, sebab semalam aku tidur lambat gila, finishing Jeffrey Deaver's Praying For Sleep. Novel dia ni kan semua best kan, so yeah, aku pun habiskan baca and slept around 4 am or so. But the novel is not what I want to talk about.
Aku terjaga dalam pukul 6.40 pm, sebab rasa handphone aku vibrate. Aku tengok ada sms dari YTN. 'YTN?' Aku pun teringat la pasal biasiswa Yayasan Tenaga Nasional aku isi haritu. Aku cuma mintak Program Uniten je. Program Luar Negara memang sahlah kan tak dapat, since orang yang mintak semuanya straight A yang power power. So aku mintak Program Uniten.
Aku pun bukak internet. Try la check kat site tu. Semak la i/c aku, tengok shortlisted ke tak. Aku tengok ramai gila mintak. Dalam 360+ orang kot. Wow ramainya. Lepas tu, aku memang target takdapat la, okay la pendek cerita semaksemak, i/c aku ada.
Hari Selasa. Temuduga pukul 8 pagi. Hmm... OK. Kat sini ada masalah. Aku sebenarnya tak pernah terfikir pun aku kena pergi interview. So aku ambil ringan jela pasal hal ni. Tapi sekarang ni aku dapat. Hmm... Apa masalahnya? THE PROBLEM IS AKU TAK ADA CERTS! Sijil aku, cehh orang kan aktif koko kan, aku letak merata rata. Serious. Adik aku koyakkan cert aku pun (dahla sijil Final Debate SBP- saja nak cakap haha), pun aku tak kisah. Nak marah buat apa. Bukan penting pun sijil. Aku tak pernah terfikir pun orang interview guna certs sampai la aku Form 5. Tapi masa tu aku dah tak masuk apaapa dah. Sekolah aku macam strict sikit, Form 5 tidak digalakkan participate in competitions. Aku tak berani nak cakap kat parents aku, takut diorang mengamuk and berleter. I mean, let us be rational here. Berleter dan mengamuk won't change the situation.
Hoh, mak aku dah mengharap dah. Ayah aku pun dah beli flight ticket dah. Pening pening. Aku pernah juga tanya kat Yahoo Answer kan, macam mana kalau orang hilang certs, tapi nak pergi interview. Ada yang cakap pergi mintak orang yang bagi aku cert and explain the situation. Aku call, orang tak angkat. Aku call number invalid. SDawrJYFDIHGDHGOI!
So, lesson learnt is, jaga certs baikbaik ogayyy? Apa aku nak beritahu kat interviewer tu pun aku tak tahu. Ingat esok nak call YTN, nak tanya macam mana kan. Tapi guys, doakan aku tau. Mungkin korang tak kenal aku, tapi apa salahnya doa je kan untuk aku. So yeah... itulah masalah aku.
Friday
finished my spm. what's next?
"Oppose and disagree, destroy Demonocracy" - Assassin
Dear friend,
Well as you would probably know, 'tis the season where most SPM graduates are busy filling in scholarship forms, all crossing their fingers in hope to study abroad. I am no exception. Except that I'm merely doing this to fulfill my mum's wish. Me? What I'd like to do? Well, I don't know really. What I would really like to do is, I don't know, it's just not possible. With my mum's high expectations and all.
When I was in primary school, I would come up with all sorts of occupations when the teacher asks me what my ambition is. Secretly, what I would really like to do, is, to be a cartoonist and play the guitar. Yes, a cartoonist. Yes. A guitarist. My mum memang sahsah la takkan bagi kan. I once gave her hints on being a cartoonist. "Kartunis? Nak makan apa kakak? Cuba la jadi matang sikit." Yes, my mum can be considered as successful, I guess that's why she has this really high expectations of me. But I want to be a cartoonist! *whines* I don't care about money, mom! There are people out there who eat dirt, and they are still breathing!
Let me tell you about my mum. She is really a no-nonsense person. There were two secrets that I kept from her. That I draw cartoons and play the guitar. It is nothing really, no biggie. But being my mum, being her, she would go, "Kakak, kenapa kakak buang masa? Main gitar and drawing bukan boleh bagi kakak dapat good result." In fact, that was the sentence she gave to me when I finally told her the truth. To my mum the workaholic, every second you are not sleeping, kena belajar belajar belajar.
Dear friend,
Well as you would probably know, 'tis the season where most SPM graduates are busy filling in scholarship forms, all crossing their fingers in hope to study abroad. I am no exception. Except that I'm merely doing this to fulfill my mum's wish. Me? What I'd like to do? Well, I don't know really. What I would really like to do is, I don't know, it's just not possible. With my mum's high expectations and all.
When I was in primary school, I would come up with all sorts of occupations when the teacher asks me what my ambition is. Secretly, what I would really like to do, is, to be a cartoonist and play the guitar. Yes, a cartoonist. Yes. A guitarist. My mum memang sahsah la takkan bagi kan. I once gave her hints on being a cartoonist. "Kartunis? Nak makan apa kakak? Cuba la jadi matang sikit." Yes, my mum can be considered as successful, I guess that's why she has this really high expectations of me. But I want to be a cartoonist! *whines* I don't care about money, mom! There are people out there who eat dirt, and they are still breathing!
Let me tell you about my mum. She is really a no-nonsense person. There were two secrets that I kept from her. That I draw cartoons and play the guitar. It is nothing really, no biggie. But being my mum, being her, she would go, "Kakak, kenapa kakak buang masa? Main gitar and drawing bukan boleh bagi kakak dapat good result." In fact, that was the sentence she gave to me when I finally told her the truth. To my mum the workaholic, every second you are not sleeping, kena belajar belajar belajar.
One of the happiest moments of my life, going to this small music shop and buying this cheap blue and black Samick and small 10 watt amp using my own money. Worked hard for it. After that I would wait until my mum goes to work and spend hours on end playing and playing. I self taught myself how to play the guitar. And I'm really proud of that.
So anyway, back to the topic, I kind of feel sad that I am Malaysian. If I were an American, or I don't know, orang Barat la, or if I were living in the western countries, maybe I could really chase my dream in drawing and play guitar as a living. Why? Sebab apa? They have encouragements from their society. We Malaysians lack that. Menjadi orang Asia ni, or maybe a Malaysian, there's the disadvantage. I mean, you really have to be really really really extremely good tahap dewa, or you are stinking rich, to enable you to pursue your dreams. Tengok orang putih, kalau minat menari, hah, jadiklah penari. If you are interested of becoming a writer pun boleh jadi kaya. Us? The only thing Asians are known is their academic performance. Yang lain? I don't know, maybe it's just me who thinks about it, and don't get me wrong, I am NOT a racist. Tak, tak maksud pun. So yeah, what next? Entahla. Kalau ada rezeki, if God wills, adala. If not, hey there makan gaji!
Thursday
Unattainable
"If only songs were sung
to guide the doubtful ones
beyond the rough
where not as much is good enough" Unattainable
beyond the rough
where not as much is good enough" Unattainable
"You are so sad." F found me reading Catch-22 alone in my class on a random day not so long ago. I barely looked up from my book. I really really hoped she would go away. I barely talk, let alone give advise to her. Yet there she would be, sitting, staring at me, creeping me out, waiting for me to reply on her silly topics. And there I would be, ignoring her and hear her grunting, controlling my anger. It's not like I hate her, just that I prefer to be undisturbed (wait, is there even exist such word?) when I am concentrating on a subject.
She says I'm not like anyone else she knows (no, that's not a compliment ogayy) and this is why she really likes hanging out with me. She says I'm strange and moody and she's sure I'll be famous one day. I say I don't want to be famous. I just want to be real. This impresses her even more. Seriously I don't get her. So usually she would talk endlessly and I would look out of the window. That particular day it turned out she was crying.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I feel like I can't reach you." she replied.
"No one can reach anyone." I said.
F stared at me and gave this really lesbian look and then asked, "Did I reach you?"
To me that time I was just trying to escape from F. My mind wandered elsewhere, and I could hear distinctly the sultry female voice of Little Joy singing Unattainable. But I can't escape from F's bulging eyes, staring as if she was trying to read my thoughts.
So in the end, what can I say, everyone lies. Out of kindness and cowardice. So I said, "Sure."
She just won't quit. She looked at me with her eyes all wet around the edges for what seemed like several hours.
"What would you say if I told you I want to end it?"
"End what?"
"Us."
I never thought there was any of 'us' in my life, to be frank F. But of course I fairly can not say that, can I? So I played along.
"Why?"
"You are not answering me. What would you say?"
These stupid conversations. -Sigh- Then as she's looking at me she slipped into this parallel universe or something because for a moment she seemed quite different. It's like seeing a small child hiding in her face, peeping out, not knowing I can see her. This small child is so lonely and unaware that the sight of her made me feel guilty. I've forgotten that people can be so without guile. She's so fragile, so bound to be hurt, I almost cried out loud.
The next morning I sent her an apology note. With smileys that made her extra happy that she talked nonstop. But it's okay. We are 'us' anyway.
Saturday
Eh, betul la. Buat apa nak tipu
Isn't it wonderful when a little niece, nephew or other small relative comes to stay, especially when they are at the age when they believe every word you say. Whole afternoons can be used up, telling them tall tales and downright lies, so that they can go back and confuse the hell out of their parents at a later date.
These are the ones I used on my brother. He's 6 years old.
1. You"re going to grow a mustache someday because you have hair up in your nose
These are the ones I used on my brother. He's 6 years old.
1. You"re going to grow a mustache someday because you have hair up in your nose
Uhh tulis dalam melayu lah senang. :D Me no speak good english.
2. Adik jangan bubuh shampoo dekat badan. Kalau tak nanti rambut tumbuh banyak kat badan adik macam kat kepala.
4. Adik kena pakai seluar dalam. Kalau tak nanti bird adik jatuh
3. Adik jangan guna kau aku dengan kawan. Cakap bodoh pun tak boleh (kira perkataan yang mencarut la). Nanti polis tangkap.
5. Don't swallow watermelon seeds, or watermelons will grow in your stomach. Kalau tak tembikai pun, betik. Depends on what fruit my brother is eating at that particular time.
And then these are some which people used on me.
1. Jangan asah pensel at both ends. Kalau tak mak awak umur pendek.
2. Eating carrots will improve my eyesight enough to see in the dark.
3. Jangan main congkak malammalam. (Depending on what I am playing at that time). Otherwise ghosts will come and play it with you.
4. Jangan tengok tv dekatdekat. Kalau tak nanti mata jadi bentuk kotak
5. This one was my mum's. It made me very depressed. I had my first period when I was 11. "Hah, itulah. Menggatal lagi dengan lelaki. Kan dah datang haid." she said. When I was little my mum kept telling me kalau tumbuh jerawat kat muka atau datang haid awal maknanya perempuan tu is behaving inappropriately. As I grew up, my mum said she said those things in order to make me behave. HA-HA.
6.Another one from my mum. This is used when I get bad grades in primary school. "Kakak ni, mainmain sangat. Tengok mak. Mak dulu asyik dapat nombor satu je. Semua mak masuk mak dapat nombor satu."
I just told another lie to my brother.
"Adik, if you drink soymilk, it makes your skin fairer."
"Betul ke kakak?"
"Eh, betul la. Buat apa nak tipu." Heh heh heh.
Any more downright lies out there?
Tuesday
The first post (why i spend 24/7 cooped in my room)
"No-one ever dared
To break these endless lies" Sunburn
I am writing this by the light of a new day (cheeewaaah). No seamless correction possible here. I want to see my first thoughts, and the words I cross out, and the words I choose to replace them. First thoughts are usually lies. Someone once told me, write something about yourself, then write the opposite. Then open your mind to the possibility that the second statement is true.
I'm not ignoring you. I AM ignoring you
I am shy. I am NOT shy. And yeah, that's how the reality goes.
Take our politicians for example, they are the living proof
I am useful. I AM NOT useful
So now enter me. I am sitting alone in my room, the blind down over the window and the door locked. There's music playing to which I am not listening. The tv is on, but I am not watching it. Maybe I'll watch MTV afterwards. I am doing nothing in particular. I do nothing most days. You could say it's what I do, like my occupation since I am doing nothing anyway.
I don't even want money. What's the point? You see something you want to buy, you get excited about having it, you buy it, the excitement fades. Everything's the way it was before. I've seen through that game. They make you want things so they can get your money. Then they take your money and then the got it and then what do they do? They use it to buy things someone else made they want. How stupid can we get? It makes me laugh. These people who hurry about all day making money to sell each other things. Anyone with eyes to SEE could tell them their lives are meaningless and they aren't getting any happier.
My life, IS meaningless. I'm not getting any happier. My father asks me all the time what I am dong spending all day shut up in my room. What can I reply? There's just nowhere to go.
I like my room. I said before I don't want anything but this isn't entirely true. I want my own room. I do not much care what is in it so long it has a door I can shut and lock so people don't come asking me to do things. I expect maybe I'll spend the rest of my life in my room, and at the end I'l just die here, as a pathetic loner, but that is fine with me.
The world out there, first of all it's not that big and wide. Really the world is as big as your experience of it, which is not so big after all. And what sort of world is it? I would characterise it as remote, unpredictable, dangerous.
My bestfriend, F, says my world view lacks depth and is merely bitterness. I dispute this. I feel no bitterness. I see things as they are. Nature is selfish. All creatures kill to survive. Love is a mechanism to propagate the species. Beauty is a trick that fades. Friendship is an arrangement for mutual advantage. Death is annihilation.
So why leave my room?
To break these endless lies" Sunburn
I am writing this by the light of a new day (cheeewaaah). No seamless correction possible here. I want to see my first thoughts, and the words I cross out, and the words I choose to replace them. First thoughts are usually lies. Someone once told me, write something about yourself, then write the opposite. Then open your mind to the possibility that the second statement is true.
I'm not ignoring you. I AM ignoring you
I am shy. I am NOT shy. And yeah, that's how the reality goes.
Take our politicians for example, they are the living proof
I am useful. I AM NOT useful
So now enter me. I am sitting alone in my room, the blind down over the window and the door locked. There's music playing to which I am not listening. The tv is on, but I am not watching it. Maybe I'll watch MTV afterwards. I am doing nothing in particular. I do nothing most days. You could say it's what I do, like my occupation since I am doing nothing anyway.
I don't even want money. What's the point? You see something you want to buy, you get excited about having it, you buy it, the excitement fades. Everything's the way it was before. I've seen through that game. They make you want things so they can get your money. Then they take your money and then the got it and then what do they do? They use it to buy things someone else made they want. How stupid can we get? It makes me laugh. These people who hurry about all day making money to sell each other things. Anyone with eyes to SEE could tell them their lives are meaningless and they aren't getting any happier.
My life, IS meaningless. I'm not getting any happier. My father asks me all the time what I am dong spending all day shut up in my room. What can I reply? There's just nowhere to go.
I like my room. I said before I don't want anything but this isn't entirely true. I want my own room. I do not much care what is in it so long it has a door I can shut and lock so people don't come asking me to do things. I expect maybe I'll spend the rest of my life in my room, and at the end I'l just die here, as a pathetic loner, but that is fine with me.
The world out there, first of all it's not that big and wide. Really the world is as big as your experience of it, which is not so big after all. And what sort of world is it? I would characterise it as remote, unpredictable, dangerous.
My bestfriend, F, says my world view lacks depth and is merely bitterness. I dispute this. I feel no bitterness. I see things as they are. Nature is selfish. All creatures kill to survive. Love is a mechanism to propagate the species. Beauty is a trick that fades. Friendship is an arrangement for mutual advantage. Death is annihilation.
So why leave my room?
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